things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
