How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
