I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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