his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
