he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
