Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
