Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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