Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
