You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize