What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
