Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
