Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
