We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
