Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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