Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
