Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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