If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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