He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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