I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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