In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
