No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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