i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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