Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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