His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
