and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
