My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
