you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you win again, gameday.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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