I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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