peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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