I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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