I can tuck mytits in my pants
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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