Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
