Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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