Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
