just tell him i said nine months
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
And then my night got REAL pukey
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
