Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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