my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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