Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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