i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
