A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
