You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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