i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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