You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
