I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
