You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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