I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
