I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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