Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we're making bets on your personal life
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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