god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
