It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
