She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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