and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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