If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
