I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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