I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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