his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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