Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
