he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
