found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize