you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
