How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
