Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
