This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
