Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(937): View more from Ohio

they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(323): View more from California

Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now

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(330): View more from Ohio

While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.

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